were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
