Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
