I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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