Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude i'm inner monologue high
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
