i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
