i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
