THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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