Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
