ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
