someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
