I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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