Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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