I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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