me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
