Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
