and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
