He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
