I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
