The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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