i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
