just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
