dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
