im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
