i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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