You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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