plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
