I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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