"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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