what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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