I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
