Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
