he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
