Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
