I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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