so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
