I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
