the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
