i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
