Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
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