Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I believe in your delicious
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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