I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
