Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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