Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
