Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
