Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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