cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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