TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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