When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
