Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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