So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
