you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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