Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
