I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
