Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Even my vagina gasped.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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