His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
