he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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