barbara walters just said penis...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
