I think im going to throw up on grandma
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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